Recent Quips From Late Night

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“Enron’s president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as ‘karma.’ The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree’s entire life savings.” –Jay Leno
 
So the World Cup is over and now we can finally get back to our national pastime, which is not watching soccer. –Jimmy Kimmel
 
“The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.” –David Letterman
 
“Of the over 100,000 wildfires that happen in the U.S. each year, not a single one would get started without the fire triangle: Oxygen, heat and fuel. Fire needs all three to exist. It’s like the three branches of our government: Legislative, judicial and executive. The fewer there are, the safer we are.” –Stephen Colbert 
 
“They’re coming at us. And today, there was an explosion on the East Side of Manhattan. A big townhouse blew up. So I just want to say to North Korea and to al Qaeda, ‘We’ll blow our own (stuff) up. We don’t need you.’.” –Jon Stewart 
 
“The senate has held hearings on President Bush’s use of ‘signing statements’. Do you know what that is? It’s a proclamation which lets the president sign a bill and limit what parts apply to him. The Democrats are acting like this is something new. It’s not. It’s the same thing Bill Clinton used when he signed his marriage license.” –Jay Leno 
 
“This week President Bush urged the Senate to give him line item veto power. Later the president said that line item veto power would be nice, but what he really wants is X-ray vision.” –Conan O’Brien 
 
“What is it with Republicans and Viagra? First Bob Dole, he was doing the ads for Viagra. Now you got Rush Limbaugh. Say what you want about Bill Clinton, but the man was always there to answer the call, ladies and gentlemen” –Jay Leno

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